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What to do if we argue?

What to do if we argue?

Both parents may be physically and mentally drained by the birth and the first few weeks of your baby’s life. Speaking to each other about how you feel is an important way in which you can start to address some of the concerns new parents experience.  Support is available if you feel that your relationship is deteriorating. Follow the related links for self-help tips. If arguments escalate into abusive behaviours, you can speak to a professional at the organisations below  in confidence: Womens aid Tel: 0808 2000 247 Mens advice line Tel: 0808 801 0327 Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline Tel: 0800 999 5428 Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is known to increase in times of stress.
What can we do if we argue?
Signs of domestic violence/abuse Relate: Relationships after birth Mens advice line LGBT and domestic abuse helpline
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How you might both feel after the baby is born?

How you both might feel after the baby is born?

The birth can often feel like such a huge event that not much time or attention is given to fatherhood and parenting. Having a baby changes relationships, carries responsibility and has significant financial impact, whilst also being a time of intense joy and pride. In addition to postnatal depression in new mums, it is now understood that up to 10% of new dads/partners can suffer from postnatal depression, so if either of you start to feel changes in your mood, talk to your family, friends and GP.
Relationships after having a baby Changes to your relationships after birth Postnatal depression in dads
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What type of support is available?

What type of support is available?

Women with mild to moderate mental health concerns are supported by a range of services; their GP, midwife, health visitor, primary care psychology service/talking therapy service and in places like Children’s Centres. There are many third sector organisations that also provide a range of support services, follow the related links to find out more. You can self-refer to all of these services. Women with more severe or complex mental health conditions, for example, severe anxiety, severe depression, psychosis and bipolar affective disorder, should be seen by a specialist perinatal mental health team. These teams are community based and are staffed by a range of professionals offering family focused interventions. These teams work closely with maternity services, health visitors, talking therapies, GPs, other community services and third sector organisations. Your midwife, GP or health visitor will refer you to your local perinatal mental team if more complex support for you is required.
Contact my maternity unit
Portal: What type of help is available? (Related link)
Helplines Support and services
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Self-help tips for postnatal emotional wellbeing

Self-help tips for postnatal emotional wellbeing

  • try to sleep when the baby sleeps to minimise tiredness
  • spend as much time as you like cuddling and holding your baby – this has a soothing and calming effect
  • accept help with the baby from friends and family (it’s OK to take a break!)
  • improve diet by eating healthy foods and drinking plenty of water
  • light exercise, or just being outside in fresh air can enhance your mood
  • socialise (at local baby groups or Children’s Centres) to meet other parents
  • use the  Moment Health app to keep track of your mental health and alert you to changes in your mood.
Moment Health app
Wellbeinginfo.org Parenting with a mental health problem PANDAS Foundation
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Getting help

Getting help

It can be difficult to talk about how you are feeling and ask for help. Common reasons for this are:  
  • you may not know what is wrong
  • you may feel ashamed that you are not enjoying your baby or coping as you believe you should
  • you may worry that your baby will be taken away.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you can’t cope or are not able to care for your child. It’s the start of getting the right help and support to ensure you can be the parent you want to be. Try talking to someone you trust (friends or family) and contact your midwife, health visitor and/or GP to discuss how you are feeling. Your health care professionals are all trained to recognise postnatal depression and will be able to offer a range of support services to help you. Women with more severe or complex illnesses, for example, severe anxiety, severe depression, psychosis and bipolar affective disorder, should be seen by a specialist perinatal mental health team.
Self-help tips for postnatal emotional wellbeing What type of support is available? Talking therapies
Contact my maternity unit
Beyond Birth Living Library – parents helping other parents Social network for mums Birth Trauma Association Association for Postnatal Illness
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Postpartum Psychosis (PP)

Postpartum Psychosis (PP)

Postpartum psychosis (PP) is a serious mental illness which usually occurs in the first few days or weeks after childbirth. It diffes from baby blues or postnatal depression and should be treated as a medical emergency. Symptoms usually start quite suddenly within a few weeks after giving birth. Symptoms include:
  • hallucinations
  • delusions – thoughts or beliefs that are unlikely to be true
  • a manic mood – talking and thinking too much or too quickly, feeling high or on top of the world
  • a low mood – showing signs of depression, being withdrawn or tearful, lacking energy, having a loss of appetite, anxiety or trouble sleeping
  • loss of inhibitions
  • feeling suspicious or fearful
  • restlessness
  • feeling very confused
  • behaving in a way that’s out of character.
PP can be an overwhelming and frightening experience for you and your loved ones and it’s important to seek help as soon as possible. Women with a history of mental illness such as bipolar disorder are at particularly high risk of developing PP, however half of all women who develop PP have no history of mental illness. The symptoms of PP can get worse very quickly, so it should be treated as a medical emergency and usually requires hospital treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms of PP, call 999.   With the right support, most women fully recover from PP. Recovery takes time and the journey may be tough. The illness can be frightening for the woman experiencing it, her partner and family. See the related links below for more information.
Contact my maternity unit
Postpartum psychosis More on postpartum psychosis Bipolar disorder in pregnancy and childbirth Additional information on postpartum psychosis
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Postnatal depression and anxiety

Postnatal depression and anxiety

Around one in seven parents will struggle with their emotional well-being and may develop postnatal depression or anxiety within the first year after childbirth. It can start very suddenly after your baby is born or it can develop slowly. Struggling emotionally at this time can happen to anyone. It is not your fault. You may experience on-going symptoms such as:
  • low mood, sadness and tearfulness
  • anxiety, worry and tension
  • feeling overly tired, tearful and irritable
  • difficult or unexpected feelings towards your baby
  • poor sleep even when your baby sleeps well
  • feeling unable to cope or enjoy anything
  • thoughts that you are not a good enough parent
  • worrying thoughts about your baby
  • feelings of hopelessness
  • struggling to come to terms with a difficult birth.
There is no single cause for postnatal depression or anxiety. It may arise because of a distressing birth, the shock of becoming a parent or other pressures (such as your partner or financial problems). If you have been experiencing any of the above symptoms for two weeks or more, you could have postnatal depression or anxiety. It is important to seek help as soon as possible from your midwife, health visitor or GP.

Antidepressants

Your GP may prescribe you a course of antidepressant medication. These are non-addictive, however they can have side effects, such as drowsiness, dry mouth or constipation. Antidepressants are usually well-tolerated and the majority of side effects improve following the first two weeks of treatment. The medication in itself does not cure the depression, but it can list your mood efficiently to enable you to cope more effectively and to take advantage of other help. Most antidepressants take a few weeks to have any effect, so it is important not to give up too quickly if you don’t feel better straight away. If you are breastfeeding it is important that you inform your doctor so that this can be taken into consideration when choosing a suitable antidepressant. “Professionals from Children’s Centres and other healthcare services helped a lot, but the single most important thing that got me through was meeting other mums locally and spending time with them and their babies. I wasn’t alone and other people felt the same as me. With the support and companionship of each other we got through the most difficult time.”

How partners, family and friends can give support with postnatal depression

If you think someone you love could be experiencing postnatal depression, then it is important to get help both for her, and yourself if you feel you need it. Your support is invaluable and there are a number of things you can do to help her become, and then stay well.

Partners

You are perhaps the most important person in terms of helping her to become well and stay well. Hopefully when she feels better you will feel that your relationship is stronger for the experience of going through this difficult time. The suggestions above can be helpful in addition to the following:
  • Reassure her that she will get well. As she starts to feel better it can be helpful to point out her progress to her, to encourage her that it won’t last forever and she will feel better soon.
  • Reassure her of your love and support, and that you are there for her. She will probably be feeling vulnerable and unlovable at the moment. If you find it difficult to express yourself you could leave her a note, take her a cup of tea in bed, send her a text message and think of different ideas of how to show her that you care.
  • Ensure that she gets enough food and rest. This is important for both of you.
  • You could ask her if there is anything she would really like to eat, and get it at the shops, or leave a prepared meal for her to heat up if you are at work. Offer to do some of the night feeds, if you can.
  • Encourage her to be active. The family could all go for a walk together, and look at making small changes like eating more healthily.
  • Point out any improvements that you notice in her well-being. This will help to give her the encouragement and hope to continue to make positive changes in her life.
  • Offer her a massage. You don’t need to be an expert, you could suggest giving her a back massage or a foot massage.
  • Go out together as a couple. Try to arrange to go out together without your baby or children. She may not want to do this until she is beginning to feel better so it is best to wait until she is ready.
  • Get help if you need it at any time. Don’t keep your problems to yourself. See the related links below.
Look after yourself. It is important to think about your own health and wellbeing and some of the suggestions may be useful for you also:
Self-help tips for postnatal emotional wellbeing.
“Before my wife had the baby she was fine but when the baby was a few weeks old she changed. She was either shouting at me or crying all the time and the house was a mess. I was getting blamed for everything. It wasn’t until our GP called me to explain that my wife was suffering wih postnatal depression that I realised there was a reason for her moodiness. I read up on postnatal depression and how I could help. I learnt that staying away from the house was making the situation rose and that my wife needed more support.”

Friends and relatives

  • Sensitively ask her what she feels she needs. She will probably have a good idea of what you can do to help her feel better.
  • Encourage her to talk about how she feels and ask to help. You can suggest that she approaches her midwife, health visitor or GP, or arrange to see whichever she feels that she can confide in. You could offer to go with her or arrange for them to see her at home.
  • Suggest that she joins a support group. Speaking to other people in a similar situation who know what she is going through can be a relief. This may not be something she wants to do at first but as things improve she may want to go.
  • Offer to help with childcare, to enable her to have time for herself.
  • Offer practical help, for example, to do the cleaning, washing, ironing or cooking to give her time to relax and get to know her baby.
  • Be patient, recovering from depression is a gradual process. Throughout, the early months of her feeling well again, she will probably still need your help and support.
  • Let her express her true feelings. Be as sympathetic as you can be and treat her doubts and fears seriously.
  • Find out about postnatal depression, see below for more information.
Postnatal depression Perinatal OCD What is postnatal PTSD? More on postnatal depression